


Regrets

by Jiya



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: After escaping from robbcella's engagement party, Angsfest, Angst, Catelyn and Jon relationship is heart breaking in canon so i tried to fix that, Dont worry this has a happy endning, F/M, R Plus L Equals J, Sansa 's realisation about her feelings, Sansa reflects on her and Jon's relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-04 09:30:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16344236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jiya/pseuds/Jiya
Summary: Or the modern au where Sansa tries to escape a party and ends up reflecting on her and Jon's relationship throughout their lives.... and figures out some things. While jon just sulks forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sansa_Of_Oldstones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sansa_Of_Oldstones/gifts).



> Hello random person deciding to read this fic... you should know that this is first time I have ever written a fic, So yeah, please be kind... 
> 
> I want to dedicate this to twilight-sparx on tumblr, she really got on my case and gave me the push to actually WRITE something rather than playing with AU ideas. She also beta'd this so a huge thanks to her. ❤
> 
> Littledovejonsa and lady-and-lemoncakes deserve special mention because I love them and because they gave me last little nudges to finally post it. Otherwise this would have stayed in my drafts forever... so thank you girls for your support.

 

She needed to be alone. Absolutely alone. Away from everyone. Away from this celebration.

  
It had been a year since Ned Stark’s death and not a moment passed by without Sansa missing him. Her father’s death had been a harsh reality check for her.

  
A year without her father had taught her a lot, how to fake smiles, how to wear a mask, how to appear strong and unaffected by people’s words. She learned how to read people… to read the meaning and motives behind their sly smiles and kind words. Most of all she learned to pick out the true intentions behind every move they made.

  
A year had taught her that her mother wasn’t invincible, that her hero and big brother, Robb, couldn't fix everything, that Arya was not as tough as she pretended to be, that Bran will never be the same again and that Rickon might never really remember their dad once he's all grown up.

The gala, she was trying to escape was thrown in her childhood home, at Winterfell. It was in Robb and Myrcella’s honour. With Ned Stark gone, Robb had been trying his best to make sure their family’s political position and their responsibilities to the people of the North were carried out as smoothly as possible.

  
He gave up on his dreams for the family legacy. Their mother was doing her best to be there for all of them, to raise Rickon and Bran and to ensure that Robb made the right decisions. However, it was proving hard given how the Boltons, Lannisters and Freys were hell bent on making things difficult for them.

There was nothing joyous about this celebration, Robb and Myrcella were being forced into a marriage due to mutual political benefits. Their union ensured that the Starks carried out their political autonomy in the North without any problems from the southern government. It meant that they had less enemies to worry about, Tywin Lannsiter was the new prime minister after all, and this was the best deal they could get right now to ensure peace in Westeros.

  
However, seeing Robb and Myrcella’s faces, she couldn't help but wonder if it was all really worth it? She knew Robb was forced to break up with Talisa and that Myrcella had been in love with Trystane Martell.  
As she passed various people she heard several comments...

  
"She's blushing, must have been something he whispered in her ear. So cute." A girl she didn't know was fawning over the " _happy_ " couple.

  
“Wow! How is she even carrying that big gown?” Another one chimed in.

  
“They look so perfect together.” 

  
She knew that Robb merely looking good and happy with Myrcella was the only thing that truly mattered. Their smiles were fake and their affectionate gestures were just for the camera and paparazzi. Their expensive clothes were especially coordinated by an event planner hired by Cersei with instructions to match everything with the theme of the gala, even the rings were picked by others. Their dance was designed to appear “spontaneous” so that they portray a picture of the perfect couple who was in love. The statements they gave to the media were rehearsed and pre-written for them.

  
Everything was a lie, this engagement party and the Lannsiters’ enthusiasm. Everyone knew why they were here. Lannsiters were immensely unpopular in the North, the current Lannister government wanted to secure the largest province in Westeros, to make sure that the North won't rebel against it. For that they needed the Starks’ support and this “marriage” was the key to all of it.

“How very convenient that this marriage solves all the issues”, An older woman mocked in a hushed tone to her group of friends and they all shared a hearty laugh.

  
It was loud enough for Sansa to hear as she was making her way towards the exit.

  
Once Sansa used loved social gathering like this one but that was before she had seen the ugly reality. Today, she hated to be in the same room as Joffrey, after how he had treated her in their brief relationship but she knew why this deal was important. She hated Mr. Baelish’s suggestive remarks and dirty gaze but realised it was better to have him at their side then against them. She hated Ramsay Bolton’s constant attempts at “getting to know her” but understood she needed to remain polite as he was a guest.

  
Once outside the hall, she sighed with relief, it was chilly but she welcomed the cold. She was a Stark of the North, cold didn’t bother her. She decided to go to the balcony on the opposite end of her house, opting to get as far away from the warm, suffocating celebration as she could.

  
Quietly stepping outside, Sansa closed her eyes and took a deep breath in the frosty atmosphere of the night. Cigarette smoke instantly engulfed her senses and she realised she wasn't alone. It took her eyes some time to adjust to the darkness and the dim light, but she instantly knew Jon was there. It made sense, he always disdained parties like these and was the only Stark who smoked other than Theon.

Jon Snow had once been her adopted brother, who later turned out to be her cousin. It didn't matter though, people didn’t know Jon was their cousin, nobody knew, except for the Starks of course, and they hoped to keep it that way for as long as possible.

  
She waited a few seconds for him to acknowledge her. If Jon had noticed, he gave no indication and kept smoking near the corner of the balcony. She took a few steps to stand near the reeling next to Jon, not bothering to cover the click of her heels as she walked, to alert him of her presence. 

Still no reaction. Jon didn't say anything and kept smoking.

  
Silence in Jon’s company was always daunting for some reason, it used to make her nervous when they were young and it still did. They never really talked... ever. She and Jon were the most distant out of all the Starks. So, Sansa chose instead to reflect on how she ended up in this mess in the first place.

  
_I never know what to say to him or how to say it._

  
Looking back now, Sansa never knew what to say when they were young and she had realised for the first time that her mother treated him differently.

  
_A memory she mulls over quite often, resurfaced again..._

  
_“What are you thinking?”, a 5 year old Jeyne asked her._

  
_“I think Jon is being a naughty boy, that’s why mother is so upset with him, she asked us all not to play with him”, she confided, “But I don’t know what he has done? He's always so nice.”_

  
_“You should stop playing with him then”, Jeyne spoke from her wisdom, “my mother says that mums always know better. You should listen to your mum.”_

  
She remembers she never liked how her mum used to behave with him but Cat was her mother so she thought there must have been a genuine reason. Sansa, being the obedient daughter tried to play with him less and less. She never had the heart to actually tell him why. Sansa just started avoiding him with no explanation and that was the start of it all. She still wishes she hadn't done that... The distance she created as children only increased over time.

Talking to Jon became even more difficult over the years as she realised that her mother was always upset with him, unfairly so. Realised that he was their adopted brother and it meant _not really her brother_ , at least that’s what Jeyne and Beth told her.

  
_“My brother said that adopted siblings are not real siblings.” Beth told her._

  
_“That’s so rude. Jon is our brother, he is family.” 7 year old Sansa defended._

  
_“Yeah but, he’s someone else’s son, so not really your brother.” Jeyne explained._

  
_Well don’t let Arya hear you say that or she’ll break all your dolls! Sansa thought annoyed with her friends,  maybe she should let Arya break their dolls. She wanted to snap back with curt response of her own but Beth and Jeyne were letting her be the princess this time so she kept quiet instead, to not spoil their moods and the game._

  
Later she heard rumours about him actually being Ned Stark’s son with another woman. A proof that he wasn't honourable and faithful to her mother. Her father always refused to talk about Jon’s real parents, which fueled the gossips. Sansa hated the rumours because they used to upset her mother a lot, then her mother would vent that anger at Jon and Jon would sulk forever. She remembered how he tried to just... disappear, pretended to be invisible as if he was trying to vanish under her mother's gaze. Sansa didn’t want him to vanish.

  
Growing up there were times she wished she could be as open in her affection towards him as the rest of her siblings were but something always held her back, maybe she did it to please her mother or maybe she did it because it was easy that way.

  
Over the years, there were days Sansa wanted to run her hands in those dark curls, sometimes she wished to make that sad smile go away from his awkward face, she wanted him to join them countless times when they were all playing princesses and knights but somehow never got the courage to actually ask him. He would quietly observe her with those soulful grey eyes, sulking in the corner, looking at her while she was being the centre of attention in a room and Sansa just had to look away...  _Every. Single. Time._

  
_I was never good at holding his gaze._

  
She did not know what to say to him when Ned Stark finally told everyone in the family, truth about who Jon’s biological parents were. That day her mother had been shouting, screaming and asking Ned to throw Jon out because he was responsible for Bran’s awful fall, saying he was meant to check on Bran and he failed in his responsibility.

  
_“MY SON IS IN A COMA BECAUSE OF YOU, WE GAVE YOU SHELTER, A HOME AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US!”_

  
_“Cat that’s enough!”_

  
_“YOU! Why wasn’t it you who fell! Leave! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK AFTER THEM, LEAVE THIS HOUSE! Don't show me your face ever again!!”_

  
Technically Jon, Robb and Theon were told to keep an eye on Bran and Rickon as they played outside, but her mother had only blamed Jon for that incident. It was then, right there when Ned Stark told them all who Jon’s mother and father were. Sansa knew that Cat was just heart broken over Bran’s condition, surely, her mother didn’t truly want Jon to leave the house... but still Ned’s confession had shocked everyone into an eerie silence.

  
_“Jon is my blood, he is my nephew, he is like my son and he will stay right here , in Winterfell, with ME!”, Ned Stark made it clear with no room to discuss it further._

  
Her father rarely lost his temper but when he did, nobody in the family questioned him.  
Sansa would never forget that haunted look on Jon’s face, how he was trying to be brave and not let the tears fall. Her mother had left the room and her dad had patiently explained everything to Jon, how aunt Lyanna had run away with a powerful drug dealer and gang leader, Rhaegar Targaryen. How Lyannna had begged her brother to keep Jon’s identity a secret from the Targaryens and never let Jon get involved in the life of crime that his father lead. The Targaryens, an international crime family, had many enemies, people who would want Jon dead for many reasons. So, Ned Stark promised to protect his nephew, to make sure nobody ever knew who Jon’s biological parents were. He faked adopting Jon with the help of his long time friend Howland Reed.

_Jon was quiet for a long time absorbing everything, then he broke the silence. "You should have just let me be adopted by someone else, you should've just left me. My existence is a threat to everyone, including this family."_

  
_“Nonsense!" Ned dismissed instantly. "You are like my son, You are my son. You are a part of this family.”_

_Jon didn't seem to be convinced. He was hell bent on blaming himself for things he had no control over. Sansa watched him quietly, she wanted to beat some sense into him, tell him he was being ridiculous._

  
_“It doesn’t matter, you are my brother,” Robb declared, “still my brother.”_

  
_“We love you, you dolt!”, Arya all but screamed at him._

  
_“It does not matter who sire you, this family is yours, you are as much a part of this pack as anyone.” Ned made it clear, “We take of each other, I am not throwing you away. You're stuck with us.”_

  
_He had been in a group hug of sorts, with Robb and Arya squeezing him. Even little Rickon, who didn’t understand what was going, managed to get in there by clinging to Jon's legs. Sansa never join them, she just watched from a far wishing she could join them too._

  
She did go to his room later that night, quietly knocked to not alert anyone else in the house. She felt a desperate need to let him know that she didn’t think like her mother, that she didn’t support him being lied to for so long, that he was still part of their family, that nobody blamed him. She remembers how surprised he was when he opened the door, a puzzled look on his face, full of concern.

  
“...Sansa?”, he asked unsure. _What are you doing here? Is everything okay?_ There were so many questions in his eyes. She noticed the state of his undress, it made her throat dry all of a sudden. Sansa tried to just get to the point, she didn’t want to embarrass herself in front of him, or disturb him more than she already had.

  
_“ I just came because... about what mother said today... I don’t blame you... we don't... I mean I am sure even mum doesn’t really believe what she was saying today... deep down I am sure she knows she was being unfair.” She had babbled on, looking anywhere but his chest, “She should never have said what she did, or behaved like that.” Sansa finished lamely._

  
_He waited for  her to finish, "I understand why she feels that way, it's okay Sansa-“_

  
_“No it’s not,” her head shot up, looking directly into his eye to make it clear, “I am sorry for what mother said, Jon. Nobody blames you for Bran. It was just a bad accident. Robb and Theon were there too."_

  
_“ You don’t have to apologise on her behalf Sansa.” He held her gaze, and spoke so earnestly, so honestly that it made her want to cry inside._

  
_Yes I do!_ She wanted to apologise for her own behaviour too, over the years, but words never came to her. She wanted to tell him that he shouldn't blame himself for decisions made by others... but Sansa who was known for always having a way with words, knowing what to say had been at a lost. For some reason her mind stopped functioning around Jon.

  
Sansa just wanted too many things. She wanted to hug him and bury her face in the crook of his neck, she wanted to pull him so close, _too close._.. the emotions in his grey eyes with the look on his kind, sullen face made her heart beat so fast and it made her want to do things. She wanted to embrace him completely, run her hands over his back, she wanted to hold him yet escape him all at once. It was terrifyingly confusing so she refused to ponder on her thoughts. Somehow escaping him had been way more easy than taking two more steps in his direction and embracing him. So instead, she decided to leave immediately, after awkwardly telling him to have a good night. She wasn't able to sleep that night. She tossed and turned and thought about him all night.

When Jon wanted to enlist for the army, almost everyone was upset.  
Robb kept telling him it was a stupid decision. Arya was giving him death threats if he joined, Bran was trying to reason with him and even Theon tried talking him out of it.

  
Deep down Sansa knew why he wanted to join the army, he wanted to be the exact opposite of his biological father, wanted to do something selfless for the country, for the people, for himself. Or maybe he was doing it to get away from them? Their father, _her_ father kept him in the dark for so long after all. She knew her mother had not objected to him leaving. What she clearly remembers is that one day, an irritated Ned Stark came out of Jon's room and declared angrily that _he was allowed to do whatever the heck he wanted!_ It had been final then. Jon was joining the army.

  
She never stopped him from leaving even though she didn't want him to go.  _Telling him to not go wouldn't have made a difference_ , she stubbornly told herself. Sansa had seen the determination in his eyes, knew talking him out of it wasn't going to work...

Regardless of her reasons, not telling Jon to go was one of the things she later regretted the most, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference in his decision but at least he would have known she **_cared_**.

_Regret, regret and regret, it's all I have, when it comes to him._

  
The day Jon left for the Night’s Watch he said his farewells to everyone except for her, she had been out on a date with Joffery and by the time he dropped her home, Jon was gone. She tried making peace with not wishing him a goodbye. _They weren't close, what would she even say?_ _It’s not like she ever told him he meant something to her, maybe she didn’t mean anything to him too_. It still hurt deep down so Sansa chose to ignore it.

  
She never wrote him any letters, or spoke on the phone when he was allowed phone calls. A few times Robb mentioned that Jon had asked about her but then again if she truly mattered to him, he would have asked to speak with her, Jon probably used to ask about her out of formality. Somehow that thought hurt too. She was the one who created distance between them, maybe _she deserved his indifference._

Soon enough Sansa got busy with her own life, university applications, Joffery and social events. She eventually got accepted into KLU, one of the most prestigious Universities in Westeros and left for the South. Then their schedules never matched. When she visited home Jon wasn’t there and when he visited... she wasn’t.

  
She did hear all about Jon’s awesome new girlfriend though, Arya wouldn't shut up about her.

  
_“Her name is Ygritte and she’s so cool. She is in the army, that's where he met her. You should see her work a gun, it's bloody brilliant! You know She can fight too!”_

  
_“She is foul mouthed! It’s hilarious. You should have seen mum’s reaction when Ygritte swore at the dinner table! Let's just say little Rickon has learned a new word and not from me. Dad just choked on water and mum got as red as her hair"._

  
_“Jon starts blushing around her... it's pathetic and adorable. She was the one to ask him out. Can you imagine?"_

  
_“Robb and Theon approve of her. I have an inkling dad likes her too, he just won’t admit it infront of mum.”_

She sounded like someone Sansa wouldn't have had anything in common with, except for their hair, maybe. While she never officially met Jon's girlfriend, she had stalked her online after the call with Arya. Ygritte was pretty in a  _wild_  sort of way with an unapologetic attitude and vulgur humor. The complete opposite of calm, collected and eloquent Sansa. Even though the girl never did her any harm, she remembers she had disliked Jon's girlfriend instantly.

Sansa used to hate the irritation she felt over Jon bringing a girl home. Maybe she had been bothered by Ygritte due to her own disappointing love life? Sansa had broken up with Joffery and it had been her last year of her degree.

Thinking about Ygritte brought back another memory...

_Sansa had been re-arranging her closet at her student accommodation in KL, while her mother complained about Jon's girlfriend on the phone._

_"Jon will break up with that brash girl, you mark my words." Her mother said passionately. Sansa could hear the noise of plates being scrubbed in the background, it was her dad's turn to clean the dishes._

_"Calm down, mother ," Sansa replied while separating the clothes she wanted to give away to charity._

_" I am calm dear, just making an observation. That tactless girl is not his type. He probably went along with the relationship because she was being forceful" her mother huffed. She could hear her father's soft chucking in the background._

_Sansa burst out laughing too. "Oh stop it. Just because she asked him out doesn't mean she forced herself on him. Times have changed. Besides why don't you just admit that you hate her because she swore at the dinner table and didn't like your pudding?"_

_"Who told you that?" her mother asked sharply, "besides, pointing out that the young lady has no manners is not the same as hating her."_

_Sansa could hear her dad straight up laughing now from the back, not even bothering to control in front of her mother._

_"Arya told me."_

_"Well, Arya is exaggerating. I still stand by my orignal observation. They are not compatible." Her mother gave the final verdict._

 

_How would you know Jon's type? You don't even like Jon._

Sansa had stopped herself from voicing her thoughts out loud. Cat and her kept talking about other things while her father chimed in from time to time, but what had made Sansa's mood better that day was her mother's prediction about Jon's relationship. It hadn't made sense then, and as she stood on the balcony next to the man, it still didn't make sense. In fact knowing now, how Jon ended up losing Ygritte, Sansa felt ashamed, almost guilty for wanting them to break up.

Looking up she chanced a glance at him, his cigarette was about to be finished. Jon probably wasn't even aware of what she was thinking right now. About him, their childhood, their life... She turned away from him as more memories flooded her brain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there is another update! Enjoy.

The day Jon came back to Winterfell, his arm was in a cast, he was covered in multiple bandages all around, had swollen lips and walked uneasily.. They were told that Jon had almost died on a sensitive mission in Hardhome. The operation was carried out against a terrorist organisation further North who called themselves Army of The Dead, they were followers of some sociopath “Night King”.

The mission was successful or so they were told but Jon who had gone there a boy, came back a man. His shoulders and chest were broader, his face was more serious and fuller due to the beard and there was a fresh cut on the left side of his face.

  
Sansa was seeing him for the first time since he left without saying goodbye. She had seen some pictures of Jon which Arya sent, later she'd seen more when she had been stalking Ygritte's instagram but _this_ Jon standing in front of them was very _different_. He looked like a dead man who was allowed to breathe, the look he wore was empty and hollow with dark circles underneath his eyes. The Jon she knew growing up was nowhere to be seen, it seemed like Jon had finally managed to _vanish._

An officer had been helping him out of the car, and Sansa wanted to cry because he looked so much like the father she had lost, yet somehow completely different as he took careful steps towards them, her family seemed to be as surprsised to see him as she had been they all seems frozen in place. Jon had missed Ned Stark’s funeral because of the secret operation he had been on. As the entire North had mourned the head of House Stark, Night's Watch never even told him about his father’s death, Jon had remained free from any distractions in the line of duty.

  
Even when Robb and Theon had tried to contact him, they were told Jon was somewhere unreachable and dangerous. NW instead warned the Starks that they may have to prepare for another funeral. It turned out Jon never told anyone about the suicide mission has was assigned or chose to be a part of, details were muddy. He didn’t want the family to worry too much, so he lied about being on some regular training program. It had been the worst month of their lives, after losing Ned Stark, they had to prepare for the possibility of losing Jon too.

_I never even said goodbye._

  
She had been screaming at herself, the guilt was too much, she had prayed to all the seven gods, the old gods and the new, to any god willing to listen, _save Jon, let him come back to us safe and alive, let him come back home...._

What had surprised Sansa the most was that out of all the Starks waiting in line to receive Jon, it had been her mother who ran and hugged him first.

  
Catelyn Tully Stark, who had never shown the motherless boy any affection was the first person to hug him, to hold him close and kiss his cheek, to pat his head and to whisper the words Sansa knew Jon had wanted to hear from her his entire his life.

_“Welcome home son.”_

_Cat’s voice was breaking as she couldn’t keep her tears from falling, “Your father would have been... proud. We are all so proud.”_

  
Jon had looked as shocked as the rest of her family, but Cat was almost oblivious to everyone’s reactions. She instead got angry at him for not even telling them about the “darned” mission he was going on, after wiping her tears though, she hugged him. Again.

This time, it didn’t take long for Jon to hug her back, for the first time in his life, Jon allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of the woman whose love and affection he had longed for all his life. Cat got through to him, Jon broke down in her arms while she kept patting his back and whispering words of reassurance, telling him that _he was not allowed to go back ever, that she was so glad he came back safe, that he looked like they didn’t give him anything to eat there_ and so on and so forth. She treated him like a son. Sansa was glad Jon seemed like Jon again.

  
She remembers crying out of joy and sadness , all of them were... even Theon looked misty eyed. _If only her father had lived long enough to see this, if only he was there with them as his wish coming true._ It had been heart breaking yet so fulfilling. She hoped her father was there with them, in spirit. Soon enough Robb, Arya, Bran and Rickon joined in the hug and this time so did she. Theon made jokes about witnessing a melodramatic movie scene but Robb dragged him into the group hug too.

  
That had been the first time Sansa truly felt content after her father’s death. Her family may not be perfect but together they were unbreakable.

When she had gotten her chance to hug him properly. She hadn’t held back, she told him so many things that she was glad that he was back and alive, that she had been sick with worry all month and kept praying for his safe return. It had been a vulnerable moment, she wouldn't have the guts whisper these things to him in such a close proximity under other circumstances.

  
_Why though? Wasn't he supposed to be her brother, why then, did it feel so wrong to hug him tightly, to get goosebumps from him breathing in her neck. **You know why**. Did she?_

  
Sansa pulled back from the hug and ignored her inner conflict. Jon kissed her forehead and a hurricane of emotions she was too afraid to identify washed over her in that moment. She had looked around to check if others in the family had noticed them. She wasn't sure _of what,_ yet but she knew it was a moment she didn’t want anyone to witness. Her throat choked up as the intensity of her own strange feelings took over during their brief eye contact, Jon wanted to say something it seemed... but then he was being ushered inside by her siblings and once again Sansa Stark was left wondering _what had just happened?_

  
That was the last interaction she remembered with Jon and it had been almost 10 months ago.

Since his return, there had been countless opportunities to bridge the gap they created as children. There were many chances to talk to him too but being in his presence alone brought a sense of vulnerability she wasn’t willing to explore. Somehow they both returned to their usual routine of barely saying anything to each other as it had been during their childhood.

  
Except everything was more strange now, their eye contacts left her confused and slightly breathless, one of them always ended up looking away. She could count on one hand how many times they have been in a room alone and never said a word to each other. Usually they argued over political matters discussing Robb’s policies and strategies with the team... they argued well but they never talked.

She is always hyper aware of his presence these days, it is almost as if her mind can sense him on it's own. It's impossible for Sansa to ignore him when he's around, her eyes just follow him no matter how much she tries to focus on other things. Lately she has started to realise how good looking he is and finds herself staring at him when he’s not looking. He always had been handsome but these days Sansa finds random ladies checking him out and she just can’t handle that.

  
Just today at the party Beth _of all people_ asked her if Jon was over his dead girlfriend yet? _Was he?_ How the hell was she supposed to know? Arya just told her that Ygritte died in line of duty. Beth even asked Sansa to enquire about Jon’s ex girlfriend by directly asking him but they weren’t close! Why would he tell her anything. Try as she might she couldn't act like Arya or Robb or Bran or Rickon... and standing right there on the balcony she realised it was because she didn’t want to be his sibling, his sister like Arya.

That realisation was a horrible one, it made her feel guilty again... what a terrible person is she to wish she wasn't his sister. Jon was her cousin, (he was supposed to be her adopted brother in the eyes of everyone else ffs!)  
No, she was going to do this right here, right now. Fix this mess.

He is your brother!

He. Is. Your. Brother!

She mentally chanted...

  
“Ahem”, Sansa cleared her throat to get his attention.

Still not looking at her and taking one last puff from his cigarette, “Sansa”, He acknowledged her presence and crushed the cigarette under his shoes.

Sansa was caught off guard for a second, his voice was raspy and she loved how her name sounded, “You knew it was me?” _Were you purposefully ignoring me_ , is what she wanted to ask instead.

“Yes Sansa”, he replied somewhat annoyed by her, “That is the problem actually, I bloody always seem to know when it’s you.”

He wasn’t making much sense but Sansa deduced that was probably because Jon was drunk.

“What do you mean?”

  
“Nothing.”

Silence fell again. _This isn't going so well._

“I, uh... Jon I would like to talk about us.” She began again going straight to the point, “You and me, to be specific.”

Jon sighed and _looked_ at her now. _Okay, so progress_?

“Oh no. Nope. Not now, I need to be sober for this”. With that he turned around to leave but Sansa grabbed him by the arm.

_So he wants to leave, time to get straight to the point, Sansa... don’t let him leave without fixing this mess._

“Wait! Jon”, she took a deep breath and went for it, “I know you are drunk and that’s why you aren't able to hide your annoyance with me and honestly, I get it. I was horrible to you when we were young and believe me, I regret that. I can understand why you would dislike me but-“

“You know nothing, Sansa Stark!”, Jon snapped abruptly cutting her off.

 _Oh great!_ So much for wanting to clear things up, she somehow managed to further irritate him. _Way to go Sansa._

“Jon please, I know I was awful but I just... I truly want you to know that you mean a lot to me. You are just as important as Robb and Bran and-“

“Sansa, please. I get it, Okay.”

_Do you?_

“Just let me finish!”, she raised her voice slightly because drunk Jon was getting on her nerves.

“I just wanted to say that you mean a great deal to me, and I know how annoying I used to be. I am sorry for that, I am sorry for everything I have done knowingly or unknowingly that hurt you. I mean it. Forgive me.”

Jon let her finish this time, their eyes locked in an intense battle, there was an unreadable emotion in the air between them, his eyes daring her to look away but this time she held her own. “There is nothing to forgive”. He appeared to be somewhat sober now.

“Forgive. Me.” She insisted stubbornly.

“Alright, I forgive you.” A small smile betrayed those pouty lips.

She didn’t want to let go of his arm.  
They were close enough that she could almost smell the alcohol and cigarette on his breath, it didn’t bother her though. Maybe it would have bothered her if this was any other man, but Jon was Jon.

  
Realising that she’d have to let go of his arm soon but desperately wanting him to stay she broke the silence to prolong this moment.

“I am sorry about not telling you to stay." She dropped his arm but continued, "I was so worried for you, we all were, when you left for the army, I wanted to stop you from going so badly...”

“Why didn’t you?”, he asked softly, all traces of his earlier irritation and annoyance gone.

“I... don’t know”, she replied quietly, “I just  didn’t think it would have changed your mind. You weren’t listening to anyone else, not even father, why would you listen to me, of all people?”, she hated how her voice was breaking a little,“We never had any... you know?”

“We were never close”, he finished it for her.

“Yes”, she replied shamefully, looking down.

He held her chin up, "I am sorry for not saying goodbye before I left."

"I deserved it!", tears now betrayed her eyes, "I was the one to push you away, I deserved your indifference." 

“Sansa”, he took a deep breath, “Listen to me, sweet girl, you were a child, we all were. You only deserve good things in life. You are not the only person to blame when it comes to _us_. And You're right, I probably wouldn’t have changed my mind. Was I hurt that you never once tried to stop me? Yes, I was.”

“I'm sorry-“

“But regardless of how I felt back then,” he continued, “I want you to know that I don’t hold any grudges against you. I _can't_ hold any grudges against you”. He held her face in both hands forcing her to meet his eyes again as she tried looking down, “ I need you to know this, Sansa”, the desperation in voice made her quiver. 

Before she could respond, he continued, "You mean a great deal to me too, and I am actually _incapable of disliking you_. I may not say it or show it but you, **_Sansa Stark_** , are one of the most important people in my life and nothing will ever change that”, he finished earnestly, looking determined yet somehow resigned as if he had just admitted something huge out loud.

And THAT did it.

A storm of emotions just washed over her as Jon's words hit her. A relief tookover. For the first time in her life, her feelings actually cleared things rather than messing them up. Sansa felt goose bumps all over her body, from her arms to her back to her legs. Her heart was beating so fast she was pretty sure it was skipping beats. 

**_Sansa Stark was in love with Jon Snow._ **

  
_Had been in love with him.... for so long, as long as she could remember! And she was just now discovering it?_

Everything suddenly made sense, her inability to function around him. Her forced indifference towards him, her wishing Jon wasn't her brother, the unbelievable anguish she felt over finding out about Jon’s girlfriend. His admission just now had soothed an ache deep in her heart, an ache she had been carrying for so long it felt like it was a part of her.

Jon was still holding her face in his hands, looking at her with the same unreadable expression completely unaware of the tumoil she kept inside. He leaned in... to kiss her forehead.

 _What were you thinking? He'd kiss you? Honey you're just his sister._ The mean voice inside her head was right.. this was all she was going to get.

  
Too bad she wanted to be _kissed_ by Jon Snow, thoroughly and completely. She wanted to be claimed by him, unapologetically.

 _But that could never be!_ She strictly reminded herself.

This time the forehead kiss lingered longer than the last, and almost on instinct Sansa held onto him by his coat to press her forehead further to his lips. To hold him as close as possible. She could smell his scent, a mixture of cigarette and alcohol, of winter, of unspoken desires, inconceivable dreams, unimaginable wishes and it was _forbidden_!

While Westeros still allowed cousin relationships,  she and Jon had grown up as  _ **siblings**_ , especially in the eyes of the people who matteted the most. What would their family say? Arya and Robb will hate her and _what about her mother_  who had just accepted Jon into the family.

  
_I must stop this madness!_

Jon didn't deserve to be hated by her mother again... He didn’t deserve to lose the rest of their siblings because of her. Not after what he faced in the army, not after how he lost Ygritte, Not after losing father... he deserved so much better and so much more. Sansa had nothing to offer him, _nothing but herself,_ and she knew that she wouldn't be enough. She didn't even know if he felt the same way about her for God’s Sake!

So Sansa just quietly waited for him to pull away, eventually he pulled back with the saddest smile she had ever seen. She forced herself to smile in return, despite her own torment. Slowly she released her grip on his coat. _All good things must come to an end._

“I, uh, I should head back inside. Robb is probably bored out of his mind, he wanted to get drunk and forget this ever happened. Poor lad.” Jon broke the silence this time.

For the sake of conversation Sansa added, “Myrcella isn’t that bad you know, she may have Cersei’s looks but I know her. She's very different from them all, she's kind. She’s also a victim as much as Robb is.”

“We believe your judgement Sansa, otherwise, Robb and your mother wouldn't have agreed to this match. I just sympathise with Robb because of Talisa.”

  
“Well, Talisa would have been a terrible political match.” Sansa reasoned.  
“I know”, he seemed hesitant before continuing, “But they were in love...”, he trailed off.

It tore at her heart a little bit, the tone of his voice. “Yes, well, with the kind of lives we lead, marrying for love is just not a wise option. It's...”

“Naive, stupid, risky?”, Jon supplied.

“Yes.”

She knew they were talking about Robb and Myrcella but couldn't help relating.

  
It was a terrible idea, a _terribly sweet idea_ , whatever she was thinking needed to stop immediately. Her mother had just accepted Jon in their lives, Sansa wouldn't allow things to get ruined all because of her stupid feelings.

“So you're heading back inside then?”, she asked.

“Yeah... umm... you want to join me?”

  
_No, I need some time alone, to process everything._

“Yes sure”, she replied instead.

  
So, Sansa Stark put her mask back on and decided to ignore everything, what she was feeling didn’t matter. She could be as brave as Robb. If he could do it, so could she.

_How hard could it be to stop yourself from loving someone?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has become a monster, you guys.... I'll update it as much as I can and I can't promise to be regular.... but I have a few things in mind for where I want it to go.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments. I am humbled by you all, this is really my first fic ever so even a little response means a lot to me.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot and it got too long, so I have broken it into three parts.
> 
> There is jonsa interaction in chapter 2.


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